Blessings of Love (The Belles of Wyoming Book 7) Page 4

  “Uh… Carrie?”

  Carrie heard a bittersweet voice nearby and realized that she’d lost her mind. Opening her eyes slowly, she saw Alex sitting on a wagon watching her. Blinking several times, she pinched her arm to make sure it wasn’t her imagination or a mirage. Nope. He was still sitting there with a confused look on his face.

  “Carrie? Mrs. Madison? Are you alright?” Alex asked politely, and looked like he was sitting on a tack, by the way he was fidgeting nervously. Carrie slowly walked over to the wagon, expecting it to disappear at any moment with him. She struggled to pull herself onto the bench seat and finally settled in.

  “I thought you’d left,” she whispered silently, staring forward, afraid to look at him so close nearby. She wiped her face in order to make sure that any evidence of tears was gone from her cheeks.

  “And I thought it was about time I had a wagon or cart to bring supplies out to the house,” he replied easily, staring straight ahead. He then leaned in towards her so no one else heard. “I knew your back was hurting and thought this might be easier on you.”

  Carrie glanced at him in surprise at his words. His blue eyes locked with her dark brown ones silently. She could see the fear, the trepidation, and realized that he was actually trying to bridge the gap between them. Her eyes began to water again and she blinked rapidly, smiling in appreciation and nodded. It would be the little victories that won the war – and this was a telling one.

  “Thank you very much.”

  “You are very welcome – and you were right.”

  “Oh?”

  “I do like soda biscuits quite a bit,” he admitted with a wry smile and snapped the reins lightly. The wagon gave a small lurch and began to lumber down the main road towards the turn-off that headed out towards their land.

  “Well maybe if we have some left over when I make another batch of them, I could make some bread pudding.”

  “Do I like bread pudding?”

  “You used to have an affinity for all sweets. Why in fact, at our wedding you had two slices of cake,” she said happily, her eyes closed at the memory. It had been a beautiful day and she remembered the room being illuminated with candles everywhere. Alex had folded his hand over hers and kissed the tip of her nose as they cut into the homemade cake, together. He’d dabbed frosting on her lip and kissed her nervously.

  “You are smiling an awful lot.”

  “I was thinking about the past.”

  “And it makes you that happy?”

  “It did – but then things change, right?” she retorted softly, using his own words. “Tell me… what accident happened? You mentioned it before.”

  “I fell and nearly killed myself. Knocked out plumb cold and not sure for how long. I woke up and everything was blank, like a clean slate,” he admitted and pointed at his temple. “I’ve got a nasty scar and a new life from it all. My old life is gone – taken away by a single mistake.”

  “You are lucky you weren’t killed,” she breathed, reaching up to touch the scar only to see him jerk away from her. Her hand dropped immediately as she realized there were still so many boundaries between them that would have to be crossed eventually.

  “I agree,” he said and then glanced at her quickly. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be rude but this is all so new to me. I can’t begin to explain it and I just wish something felt normal or right deep down inside. Everything is strange and foods I’ve eaten all my life, like the soda biscuits… I’m discovering all over again.”

  “I understand.”

  “Give me time – that is all I’m asking.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean,” he began nervously and tugged at his collar. “I’m going to take some time to learn what I like and what I don’t like anymore. I’m trying to hurry it along by trying new things and being open to new ideas… but it’s hard.”

  Carrie didn’t say a word. She didn’t know where he was going with his statement and they were nearing the house. He pulled in front of the dugout and told her to stay there. She watched as he jumped out of the wagon and walked to the other side where she was sitting. He held out his hand politely and helped her get down from the bench seat carefully to prevent her from falling since her stomach was causing her equilibrium to be off-center. He released her immediately as she stood nearby and she saw him run his fingers through his hair. Smiling, she remembered that he did that when he was really nervous.

  “Maybe we can go for a walk some evening and talk some more?”

  “I’d like that… or maybe ride in the wagon?”

  “Oh! Of course.”

  “I’d like your company for dinner tonight,” she offered.

  “That would be nice.”

  “Thank you for giving this a try.”

  “Truthfully? You are really beautiful and if I was lucky enough to be married to you before – I don’t want to mess it up again by being scared of things that I don’t know or don’t remember. I decided that maybe I should give us a try because of the way you’ve looked at me. Things must have been pretty good between us.”

  “You think I’m beautiful?” she asked insecurely.

  This all seemed too good to be true and her very foundation had been rocked the moment he’d pushed her away. She thought she had security and found instead that she would have to fight tooth-and-nail in order to win a spot in his heart once again.

  Alex smiled and didn’t answer. Instead he backed away from her and gathered up the reins, walking the horse-drawn wagon over to the house nearby. She watched him in the distance as he unhitched the horse and set the brake on the wagon. They didn’t have a barn yet, but that didn’t faze him. He removed the bridle so the horse could graze and then waved silently to her before stepping inside the house.

  6

  Later that afternoon, Carrie was busy trying to whip up something to eat out of the remnants of what she’d found stored in the dugout. She’d fried up a slice of ham, some peas that were stored in a jar, and was in the process of making drop biscuits in the lard she’d used to fry the ham. It would be edible but it wasn’t as elaborate as the chili from scratch. Perhaps she would start a garden so they had fresh vegetables this summer and she could can a few things.

  That was assuming she would be able to get the seeds in the ground during the next few weeks. Here it was…the temperatures were warming up already and it would be past time to plant if she didn’t hurry. A knock at the door surprised her and made her jump, causing her to splash hot grease onto her hand.

  “Just a moment!” she called and fished out another drop biscuit onto a plate. Carrie knew it was Alex coming for dinner since she’d invited him, but it seemed odd that he would knock. This was their house technically, even if he wasn’t inhabiting it.

  “Alex, you can just… Oh.” Carrie opened the door and stopped as soon as she saw him. He stood there in his dress clothes that he wore to church earlier in the day, but he’d cleaned up nicely. His hair had been washed up and combed neatly as well, and he’d shaved. She wasn’t sure where he’d done this but the results were fantastic. He also had a handful of flowers in his hand, making him look the part of a suitor.

  “It smells wonderful, Carrie,” Alex said nervously. Her name sounded unsure on his lips – as if he was asking for permission. She nodded happily and stepped back, inviting him in.

  “I need to get the rest of the biscuits out of the oil,” she explained and quickly darted past, accidently bumping into him with her stomach. The baby gave a hard kick as if he/she knew that he was there. Carrie started at the movement and saw Alex jump in surprise. “It’s normal and happens a lot lately. I’m sorry that I seem to be quite ungainly as of late.”

  “It’s understandable,” he said unceremoniously in a distracted voice, as if he was trying to process the fact that his child just kicked him and here he was with a pregnant woman.

  “Flowers?” she asked simply, watching him out of the corner of her eye. She fished out the remainder of
the biscuits and dusted them finely with a bit of sugar. She wished she had some cinnamon but that was something that would come with time as they set up house.

  “Yes. These are for you.”

  “Thank you,” she smiled to herself, seeing how insecure he was. He was really out of his element right now. The cocky, handsome man she’d married was truly different now – but he was just as wonderful, if not more so. There was something about him that struck her in a different way… something that she could relate to and not feel intimidated. When she’d married Alex before, he was the suave, confident one – but now, it was her turn to fill that role.

  “Can I help with something? Do you want to sit down and I can fix the plates for us?” he asked politely. Carrie turned and looked at him in surprise. In the weeks they were married, Alex had never volunteered to help with the house chores… but then again, neither had her father. She’d always assumed it was the woman’s lot- or at least that is what her mother preached to her and Kate growing up.

  “Do I look so bad?”

  “No, you look lovely but I remembered your back hurt earlier so I thought I could help. After all, there is nothing wrong with earning my meal.”

  “You did that when you brought me the flowers.”

  “Didn’t I bring you flowers before?”

  “Truthfully, no. We had an arranged marriage between our families and were only together for a little over a month when you left to set up our home.”

  “I have a family back home?” he whispered, looking stunned and forlorn. “Can you tell me about them? I don’t remember anything and if you were looking for me… I would think my family would be too.”

  “Let’s fix our plates together and both sit down so we can talk about anything you want to know.” Alex quickly joined her and she could see the curiosity burning in his eyes.

  Their hands bumped a few times, but the need to know about his family overrode everything at the moment. He took both plates and hurried to the table but returned to her side quickly. Alex gently took her arm and helped her take her seat. Carrie didn’t want to admit that she appreciated the help because it seemed like the more time passed, the worse off her balance became. As of late her hips began aching quite a bit and her feet were swelling more and more.

  They sat together at the table and she extended her hand to say a prayer. It was twofold; she simply wanted to hold his hand once again. She murmured the blessing over their dinner and felt a lurch when he drew his hand back away from her. They were making progress, and she had to keep telling herself that.

  “Tell me everything – don’t leave out anything… please,” Alex asked her, pouring her a glass of water. If he wanted to know his history, she would tell him what she knew. She sugar-coated his history as much as possible. She didn’t want to tell him that his father was a gambler and his brother a drunkard. Instead, she focused on the positive. How they’d met at Alex’s childhood home and how his brother lived there now. She told him that the letter she’d written to her sister, was the same person that was married to his brother, Christopher. He stopped her at that moment in surprise.

  “They are in love?”

  “Theirs was arranged as well.”

  “Were we in love?”

  “I believe there was a strong fondness between us but we were parted quickly in order to set up our home.”

  “Did I know about the baby?”

  “No,” she admitted softly, looking away from his inquisitive eyes. “I found out not long after you’d left and was awaiting word that you’d arrived safe. That letter never came though and that is how I came to be here.”

  “Surely I would have written you…? I thought I’d been here a while when the accident happened. I mean, the house is nearly complete and I would have had to build the dugout quickly or inhabit one that was already here. I don’t understand why I wouldn’t have written my wife… unless we weren’t that close?”

  Alex sat back in his chair and shook his head in disbelief. He looked bothered at his actions and this surprised her. Could he be feeling regret for something he didn’t remember doing?

  “I couldn’t have ignored the woman I cared for… I wouldn’t. Are you certain we were happily married?”

  “I believe we were,” she said slowly, feeling a bit apprehensive at his line of thinking and questioning.

  “I need to process all of this,” he admitted quietly. “Please tell me about yourself too. What were you like growing up? What did you think when you found out we’d be married?”

  “I thought I was blessed beyond measure,” she told him truthfully and reached for his hand. She expected him to jerk it away again like he had before, but instead he stayed very still. Her fingers curled warmly with his and she smiled shyly. “I remember the first time I met you, how enamored I was of you. I really felt like I was the luckiest girl in the world to marry a man that I wanted. I still feel that way. I believe what we have is worth is waiting until you are comfortable with the idea of us being a family.”

  “What if I am never ready?” he asked, his careful, cautious tone revealing that he was scared. “What if I am a horrible father or bad husband? I can’t imagine leaving my wife and never contacting her… yet you are saying that I did that very thing. I don’t have a reason to doubt you, but it’s hard to fathom that I would do such a thing. It doesn’t make sense in my mind. Was I so different?”

  “I’ve already started making plans on how to earn a living in case things don’t work out between us and I am alone again.”

  “You are planning your future without me?”

  “Are you ready to be a part of it?” she countered. She didn’t mean to push him but she wasn’t going to sit around forever waiting on him, holding her breath. If he’d pushed her away once – would he do it again? She had to make sure that her needs were met.

  “I don’t know.”

  “Well, this baby is coming in about a month- so I don’t have the luxury of waiting forever until you are ready. The child will need clothing and necessities – and I need a sense of security that we are taken care of.”

  “You can stay here as long as you like.”

  “That home over there…” she pointed at the window. “That home was supposed to be for us to raise a family together. Husband and wife. If you aren’t ready for both – it’s not a choice of one thing or the other. We come as a package and there is no changing your mind.”

  “I understand.”

  “No, maybe you don’t. You have yourself to take care of. I can take care of myself… but this little one has only me at the time, so I am planning ahead.”

  “Maybe we should talk about something else?”

  “Are you finished eating?”

  “Yes”

  “Then let’s go for a walk and talk some more.”

  “Maybe tomorrow evening,” she said quietly. “I would like to get some rest and I think we’ve had a busy day.”

  She abruptly got to her feet and made sure there was plenty of room between her stomach and the table. She stepped towards the door of the dugout and saw Alex was still sitting at his seat, looking at her with confusion in his eyes. He got to his feet and brought his plate over to the plank countertop that held a pan of water to wash up. He joined her at the door and stood there nearby. She could smell that scent that was him- a bit of sawdust and sandalwood- that smell seemed to be his very essence and it drove her crazy before.

  Some things had changed… and some stayed the same.

  “I understand. Goodnight, Carrie. Thank you again for dinner.”

  “Goodnight Alex. I appreciate the company and hope it answered some of your questions. If you think of something you want to know, all you have to do is ask.”

  “Can I see you tomorrow evening?”

  “I’d like that.”

  Carrie stood there awkwardly at the door for a moment and could have sworn Alex was tempted to lean down and kiss her. Instead, he pulled back and walked out into the dim light. Th
e sun was just over the hills in the distance and once it descended behind them, it would get dark quickly. Tomorrow would be another day, and she wondered what it would bring.

  7

  Carrie busied herself over the next few days, only seeing Alex in the evenings when he returned from his shop in town. Each evening they were cordial to each other but there was still a divide between them. She had gone into town today to see if she could be hired on as a laundress somewhere or if she could come in once a week to do laundry for any that needed it. Her hands were truly just now healing from all the lye soap she’d used back home when she did laundry there… the thought of taking it up again was frustrating. It wasn’t something she wanted to do, but something she found necessary.

  Last evening Alex actually held her hand when they went for a walk together. It was so wonderful to be able to feel like a couple again – even if they were still struggling to fit into a relationship. She understood that the baby scared him… it scared her!

  She lay awake at nights sometimes wondering if she would be able to take care of him/her or if she would be a good mother. She had yet to hear from her sister and she knew her time to deliver this child would be soon. Her stomach was distended quite a bit and she could see movement under her skin. She was starting to develop blue lines in her skin where it was stretching beyond the point that her body could handle… yet her body continued to grow and grow. All she wanted was for her baby to be healthy and for her to be able to take care of it- with or without Alex.

  Truthfully, she looked at her struggling relationship with Alex as both a blessing and a curse. If things worked out between them, she would be the happiest woman in the world. She could celebrate her new child and her reunion with her husband. However, if things went poorly and they crossed a point of no return – she had a tiny child to fill her heart as she mourned the loss of a man she loved.